


I had a dream I got everything I wanted (it might have been a nightmare)

by himbo-buckley (Kriz)



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ana is just used as a plot divice, And very little plot, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Charcters might be out of Character, I should probably write here that this is a Buddie-fic, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, author has no idea what this fic is about but wrote it anyways, emotional cheating, idk - Freeform, like they still talking, no beta we die like men around here, sorta - Freeform, they already broke up but they didn't BREAK UP break up, though, unneccessary amounts of angst instead of plot, we live in a pandemic so we're all already crying why not try to make each other cry more, which you know not very feminist of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:46:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23821789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kriz/pseuds/himbo-buckley
Summary: In truth he makes the decision to leave on Tuesday while still on the phone with Lena. He just tells himself he didn’t because, well, Eddie likes to think of himself as sensible. And making impulsive life decisions would contradict this.
Relationships: Ana Flores/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 112





	I had a dream I got everything I wanted (it might have been a nightmare)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello fellow travelers and welcome to whatever this is!  
> Hope you like angst!  
> The fic came to me over the past few days and while I'm not actually proud - it's also the only productive thing I have done, so I decided to share it, just to prove I have done something in the past two days.  
> Also really angsty, because the times we live in aren't sad enough as it is!  
> So please go and try to enjoy this ride

In truth he makes the decision to leave on Tuesday while still on the phone with Lena. He just tells himself he didn’t because, well, Eddie liked to think of himself as sensible. And making impulsive life decisions would contradict this.

But as it was he looked up, saw Hen and Chim leaning against the railing with their backs to him pretending to be deep in conversation, met blue eyes over a cocked nose and too pink lips and he knew. Knew he should and would. Knew it was for the best.

He still told her he needed to think about it, because that’s what an actually sensible person would do, someone who wasn’t a coward like him. Or maybe _he_ wasn’t a coward either? Maybe he was brave for once, running towards his feelings? He couldn’t know. Right then he didn’t yet. Right then it felt like he was fleeing.

He let Lena convince him to meet her at a bar on Thursday after shift, because he didn’t have to work that Friday and Lena had a late shift, so she could convince him to come work with her. Be promoted and get his own squad. Let her choose a bar close to the 136, knowing she’ll bring along some of the guys to surprise him and convince him to transfer.

And Thursday is nice and easy and chill in a way being with the 118 isn’t most of the time anymore, because they are a family and they know each other too well and care too much and Eddie sometimes really doesn’t want to address all the elephants in the room but rather embrace repressing their shared trauma like they used to in the Army. Man, good times.

(He still sometimes wakes up, hearing maschine gun fire. Goes to find cover before he remembers where he is.)

You know, camaraderie. Drinking in silence. Thinks Buck could never. Not anymore, awkwardness settling in between them so deep these days he feels it down to his bones. Misses him like crazy. Can’t do anything about it.

(He can. But he’s a coward.)

And when one of the guys asks: „So you’re from Texas. Got any family in LA though?“ he can tell them about Christopher and Abuela and Pepa and his sister living in San Franscisco and when Lena asks „What about the girlfriend?“ He can say „We broke up. Last week. Still talking it through, though,“ with a shrug, like an afterthought (always an afterthought, wasn’t she, Diaz?) and not have anyone think anything of it despite the pause being a little too long (like he had to remember who Lena was talking about). Despite him not sounding sad.

They don’t know he’s known her for nearly a year, has had to wait to ask her out for close to 5 months until she wasn’t his son’s teacher anymore, had stopped feeling that spark about 3 months later and yet had kept seeing her for 4 more months, until she demanded actual feelings, stringing her along really because the alternative scares him too much. Uses her as a shield. Because deep down Eddie has always been and always will be a coward.

And later when she called (like every night, because they still tried to talk it out, a beginning too good to accept the sudden end) and he excused himself to step outside and answer only Lena threw him a look and no one radiated pity and he didn’t find himself searching out eyes trying to chase away the heartbreak he caused. (Because he was a coward. A coward. Coward. Afraid.)

So the only slightly awkward moment comes when Sampson, a guy probably pushing 30, but seeming a lot younger the same way Buck does (unless you actually let yourself look at him and look into those big blue eyes and past everything, in a way Eddie doesn’t anymore because he’s doesn’t have the right anymore. Because he’s a coward. Afraid.), asks him about leaving his truck and his partner and Eddie has to laugh and lie and not say what he’s really thinking which is that he’s doing this for Buck because the way they are right now they are killing each other because Eddie may be holding the knife but he’s only defending himself. Only trying to keep Buck away, Buck, who keeps running into the blade with so much force it pushes back into Eddie and neither knows how to stop anymore, just waiting to finally bleed out and god, Eddie must be drunk already cause that metaphor just ran away from him.

(It’s the truth, though. He’s doing all this for Buck. To protect him. From him.)

He focuses on the conversation again, instead, pushing down the pain. (Because he was a coward. Afraid. Bleeding out from knife wounds.)

„No, seriously,“ Matt adds on, as everyone stares at Eddie with a new focus, because clearly this is what everyone wants to know, „ya’ll legendary! Best team around! pretty sure the academy is showing clips of you two now when they teach about teamwork and working together, so, why give that up?“

And Eddie has to make himself laugh because otherwise he’d cry. (A coward. Afraid. Bleeding out.)

„Oh, you know, I’m actually doing that for him,“ he makes himself say, lying through his teeth, „everyone only ever sees us as a unit, but neither of us can ever make Captain like that! And when I say neither of us, I mean me.“ And he laughs like he actually means the joke and isn’t just trying to hide the shaking of his voice (Afraid. Bleeding.), tells them Buck is just _that_ good, will replace him in no time. (One truth. One fear.)

The firefighters from the 136 laugh at that and move on and Eddie breathes easier, lets himself enjoy the moment, the night. Lets himself feel the elation of an averted crisis.

Between all this he ends up very drunk (after all, Eddie doesn’t regularly drink more than say, two beer at Bucks over the course of several hours and here he already had two within one hour) which is why he doesn’t understand that Lena is laughing at him (and not just because she is drunk) as he tells Hubert, one of the designated drivers, his address. He further doesn’t realise he isn’t technically home until after he entered the apartment, climbing the stairs to the bed, undressing on the way and just dropping on the covers, already mostly asleep.

(It’s fine, though. Carla is with Chris. She told him she would sleep in the guest room anyways, he doesn’t need to go _home_ home.)

And when an arm swats at him and the lump next to him groans his name, it’s the sweetest sound drunk!Eddie has ever heard and he lets himself giggle at that. Lets himself look at blue eyes and too pink lips, visible even in the dark, and just enjoy and bleed. Picking on the scrape. Blood gushing.

„At least take a shower, man, you stink. What did you drink? The whole brewery?“ The smile is evident in his gravelly voice, though, fond, even when woken up at half past 2 in the morning. (Eddie can’t see it. He’s staring at the ceiling, willing it to quit spinning.)

But he does as instructed, even if he rolls into that lump first, breathing him in, that non-brewery smell, before climbing on top of him and over to get out of bed. (For once not afraid. Still bleeding, though. Always bleeding.)

And maybe it’s that brief happiness lingering, the courage gained by his scent on his skin, mingling with Eddie’s even when he knows it should already be long gone but still felt in whiffs like fingerprints on his skin, because Eddie finally let’s himself admit his choice and call Bobby about meeting him before shift on Saturday and call Carla to pick Christopher up at the firehouse instead of coming to the house(because she doesn’t need to get up even earlier on a Saturday).

And when Ana calls again on Friday night, he finally admits what they both already know.

(The fact that it doesn’t hurt at all, makes it even worse. He feels like such an asshole afterwards.)

(Or a coward.)

(Tries not to think of blue eyes over a cocked nose and too pink lips as he breaks another heart.)

And on Saturday Eddie gets into the Firehouse even earlier than planned, carrying his still asleep son upstairs to the couches, greets the other shift that is riding out the last hour of their 24 hour shift half asleep and makes himself drink a cup of coffee and change and not feel anxious as he waits for Bobby.

Forces himself to remain calm when Bobby does come and gestures toward his office. Tries not to feel like a kid sent to the principle because _he_ had asked for the meeting and anyways he was in his mid thirties. (Not a coward. Not afraid. Courage. Still bleeding.)

„Bobby,“ he begins and then stops, because he has no idea how to go on.

„You’re gonna take the job at the 136,“ Bobby says for Eddie, when the pause drags on too long.

„It’s a big chance, your own ladder truck and squad. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was sad to see you go,“ Cap adds on in what Buck had named _the dad-voice_. „You’ll always have family here.“

And Eddie might have answered, might have found his own words, but a laugh rings out and he has to turn around, has to let himself look, watch, the voice ringing out like a beacon to him. A safety net.

„I got drunk with the 136 on Thursday,“ it spills out of him then, possibly interrupting whatever Bobby was saying, he can’t be sure, hasn’t heard anything over blue eyes, cocked nose, too pink lips, „and I just - I don’t know, I just went to his place afterwards like that’s - he didn’t even seem surprised, didn’t kick me out, hasn’t asked about it since, just went with it. And I -“

Eddie stops then, feeling guilty over nothing and everything but forces himself to meet Bobby’s eyes anyways, for all but legally Buck’s father, yet still so kind, so fond and he just stops. Doesn’t push the words away for once, accepts their truth right then in the light of the beginning day.

„He loves me. And I -,“ (am a coward. Afraid. Bleeding out.) „Ana _knows_. She didn’t even get mad, she just, she wanted more from me and she made me choose and -„

„You chose and now your transferring,“ it’s not really phrased as the question it is, the fondness at once gone and maybe it’s that underlying anger that makes him rise up, answer the Cap’s challenge head on.

„I broke up with her,“ Eddie interrupts him, with more force than he’s shown in weeks (at least about this), „It was never really a choice to begin with. I, it’s, unless it’s between Christopher and him there will never be a choice.“ He ends, draws a breath, feels more out of breath than he has in a year, maybe since the well. (Brave. Decisive. Sure.)

„He’d never let you make that choice,“ Bobby says then, softened a bit.

„Why you leaving then,“ added then, steel in his voice, eyes still hard, needing the confirmation.

And Eddie falters. Doesn’t know how to say it, how to ask, when he doesn’t even know if Evan will really have him, when they’ve bled so much over and through and into each other, Eddie isn’t sure if it can ever stop again. If they won’t just keep torturing each other until there’s nothing left anymore.

(Knows for sure that’s what they’ll do if he stays.)

When he spent so much time running away, hurting him.

Maybe Bobby sees some of that desperation on his face, that fear, because he lets some fondness back into his face, softens his shoulders, make an aborted gesture to go on.

„Would you even let us, if we - could both of us stay? Would you risk it?“ Eddie forces past his teeth, past that feeling of panic. Maybe saying this has lost him Bobby. Maybe Even won’t have him. Maybe he won’t be enough again. Maybe he will and they’ll try and it’ll still all go up in flames.

(He thinks, somewhere deep inside, where thoughts are barely words, that that’s what he’s actually wanting. Because then he’d haven’t hurt him for nothing. Because then he can just accept he isn’t enough and stop looking for his self worth after all.)

Bobby doesn’t answer right away, actually thinks about the question, letting Eddie see it in the returning of friendship on his face when he comes to the same conclusion as Eddie. Probably thinking of bombs and Tsunamis and Wells and so many fires, just like Eddie has for the past year and specifically the past three month. Lets himself consider the likely outcome and see the same end result.

„We’ll tell the team once the transfer is through,“ Cap decides, „Can you wait that long?“

Because apparently he knows what Eddie is going to do now, even if he himself hasn’t decided yet.

(He’s probably right, but Eddie is still such a coward. Afraid. Bleeding. Dizzy with it all.)

(Maybe it’s good that he still has time, then.)

And Eddie makes himself nod. After all he’s waited this long, so what’s a few days more? When he hasn’t even decided anything anyways? After all, he already feels so much lighter and calmer than he has in years, maybe since before the Tsunami or before he lost Shannon again.

He doesn’t have to wait that long, though. No, he only has to wait until Monday when Bobby disappears into his office between calls only to reappear not even five minutes later, already nodding at Eddie from across the room before joining him at the table and saying „It’s go time,“ loud enough for everyone to at least look over, giving Eddie no chance to not say it right then. (Which was probably what Bobby intended.)

(Rude.)

So Eddie get’s up from where he’s currently sitting, looks around the room at the 12 or so assorted firefighters currently starring at him (tries not to get distracted by counting them, except, yeah, 12 it is) and sighs.

„I’m transfering,“ Eddie informed them and set back down. There, he thought, done.

Except looking around the room, he knew he wasn’t. He was so tired of being a coward, of not speaking his mind, so he made himself get back up, awkward as it was.

„Look, I own you guys so much. These past two and a half years have been great and I am very thankful for all of you. I don’t want to leave, but as you all know a special needs kid isn’t cheap and I could really use the promotion. Also…“

Eddie can feel his eyes getting wetter with every word and god, he has never been so relieved to hear the alarm go off just then, cutting him off mid-speech.

(Not that he knew how to go on anyways.)

(He really should have spent more time preparing for this moment.)

He closes his eyes briefly before getting a move on, only half listening to Bobby explain his transfer is being fast-tracked so he’ll be leaving by the end of the month giving him just about two more weeks at the 118. Eddie is going to miss them.

„Saved by the bell!“ Buck drawled as he fell into step with Eddie where Bobby was walking just a moment earlier, clearly reading his mind. It made Eddie grin.

„You know it, brother!“

„So is this what you and Ana have been fighting about? Are you doing it for her?“ _Are you leaving because of me_ goes unsaid.

(Eddie still bleeds.)

Eddie’s surprise at the words spoken must be visible on his face, because Buck quickly explains: „Chris heard you fighting on the phone, he got upset, he called me.“ Matter of fact. No excuses. No remorse.

(Mostly unafraid.)

And yeah, that makes sense. The phone calls could get loud. Even when he doesn’t remember what they fought about afterwards most of the time. What they fought _for_.(Because they always talked in riddles, neither admitting what it was all really about. Who it was really about. Blue eyes over a cocked nose. Too pink lips. Eddie just wants to stop being so afraid.)

Eddie shakes his head. „No, Ana and I broke up …“ he tries to remember when and fails only a little (always an afterthought, right?), „before Lena called me. About two weeks ago?“ (It’s a question. It shouldn’t be a question. He should know this. He should care.) „We’ve been talking though - or fighting, really. But we called it quits on Friday. For real this time.“

„I’m sorry. Are you okay?“ He actually sounds sad. Evan Buckley is a better man than him. He’s a better human being than most of humanity. It scares Eddie a lot.

„Actually, no. I - I stopped caring a while ago. Just took me a little to catch up.“ About three months ago, he adds internally, sometimes after losing interest in her and realising who he actually imagined in his bed late at night. Tries hard not look a the too pink lips. Fails because they are nearly at eye level.

(Also, hard. Haha. Damn. Buck really is rubbing off on him.)

„Look,“ he says a little to loud, using the fact that most of his brain is distracted trying _not_ to think about the words Buck and hard and rubbing in connection to each other to finally be brave, „Cap said I still have about two weeks before transferring, making my last shift Friday next week. And assuming Hen will have forgiven me by then - with the others having Saturday off too - we’ll probably do my goodbye party on Friday. And I know you have a late shift on Sunday, but would you wanna hang out on Saturday? To talk? Just you and me?“

By the end Eddie’s head might actually be glowing it feels so hot and he’s staring right ahead, the fear creeping back in. He can not look at Buck.

(He feels brave, though. Brave and a little dizzy. Where is all his blood?)

„Yeah,“ Buck says and Eddie can hear the smile in his voice, can hear the hope, „Yeah, I’d like that.“  
They’ve reached the truck by now and Buck is moving around Eddie, who stands frozen, about to reach up and open the door, when Eddie stops him, hand on his arm.

„I mean like a date, Evan,“ his voice sounds shaky, urgent, nervous. (Not a coward. Afraid. Bleeding.)

„Yeah, I got that.“ Blue eyes shining, too pink lips twitching to suppress his smile and Eddie - Eddie finally stops bleeding out.

Maybe it’ll all work out.

(Maybe he can stop being a coward for good.)

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, done!  
> Hope you liked it and feel free to comment, even if you didn't (I'm kidding, we live in a pandemic, I'm sad enough, only tell me good things!)  
> Also now might be the right time to tell you this was originally even angstier - and by that I mean I accidently turned Eddie into an asshole and it made me angst for two days  
> Anyways, come scream at me on [ tumblr ](https://himbo-buckley.tumblr.com)  
> about these two lovely people, because this is where i am like most of the day these days! (because we live in a pandemic and I lost control of my life)


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